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Fiction: Breathe

I used to write fiction all the time. I couldn't seem to stop myself. It would happen in the middle of classes, so my notebooks would be one part algebraic equations, one part poetry. I've gone through a definite dry spell in my writing over the last few years - I don't force myself to make time for it, like I used to. So, when I find things I wrote in the past, things I remember coming easily, I want to share them to remind myself to keep pushing. It may not be as easy anymore, but by working at it, it can get closer to easy again.

Written sometime in 2004/2005
"You know I breathe too much anyway, I can do that anyday." - Ani DiFranco "Anyday"

The weed hit rough, and she held back her cough the best she could. the boys were barely coughing at all, and somewhere in the back of her mind, that voice that always pressed into her "you must keep up with the boys." nagged.
she took another hit from the blunt, holding in the smoke, feeling it pulsing through her veins. hotboxing the car had become a recent hobby. a hobby she felt made her a part of something. made her feel like she belonged here, in this place, with these people. a membership to a subculture she'd never really thought all that much about until this summer. which changed everything, forever.

smoke hung in the air of the car like a wet blanket. heavy, burning her eyes, and making it feel like every breath she took made her even more high than the last. she could barely see the boys sitting in the front seat the smoke was so thick. the car at this point, was like a bong, and she eyed the window hungrily. breaking the box would have been a huge faux pas, even as a beginner she knew that much. her heart was pounding. her tiny frame shivered a bit. summer in San Francisco is always the coldest season.

she placed her palms flat on her thighs and rubbed her legs, the sensation calmed her a bit, even though she knew she was too high for this moment. his face was close to hers and she tried not to breath, but she wanted to breath him in so badly. she wanted to lean in, and press her mouth to his, she wanted to taste him, to feel his lips against hers. his hand was on her arm, taking her hand in his, and he whispered in her ear that she was alright. "relax, relax, relax." the mantra made her body slack, and the tingling in her arms and legs surged as he touched her fingers. she passed the blunt, and knew, thankfully, it wouldn't make another round to her, even with the four of them.

this was a dangerous place to be, with his hands in her hair, and her face resting on his shoulder. this was the road to the past, a place she'd promised herself she wouldn't go back to physically. the truth was, even her memories were beginning to fade into the distance, until she saw him again. until he touched her in that casual way...the way that speaks volumes, without uttering a word. the silent understanding bodies create between the ones they know so well. the touch that practically screams "it would be so easy to surrender yourself to your memories, to this familiarity, no matter how poisonous."

"relax, relax, relax."

she closed her eyes, and watched her past, her present and future play behind her heavy eyelids. the truth was, the poison didn't seem so bad at this moment.


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