Skip to main content

2017 - Undoing the Damage

Oh, friends. 2016 was A YEAR for me, and not a great one. While there were certainly ups, the downs were way down, and I've been driving the struggle bus just trying to get through the days. I know that 2017 will still hold grief for me, losing my mom isn't simply going to go away, but I am hopeful I can continue putting one foot in front of the other and not simply survive 2017.  I want to truly live this year. This will mean some difficult changes for me, I know. In truth, those changes scare me. Change is unknown, and uncomfortable, and a little scary, especially when it's in terms of your own life - habits, views, behaviors etc. I know it will take time, and that's another struggle for me - patience.

I'm endlessly patient with other people, but with myself? I somehow expect the rules of the universe to not apply - that the moment I decide a change will happen that it will come into being - like a movie montage of all the hard work that goes into that change, only without the work. Obviously, life isn't a movie. There is no montage - you have to create the montage yourself, every day by putting in the work. Ugh, work, am I right?

So, I'm starting off 2017 with some self-care. Today, I'm giving my scalp a coconut oil treatment because it's been dry and flakey and itchy lately. I'm going to finish up packing for my trip to Jamaica (going Back to the Island with Hanson again) and I'm going to relax, and read, and enjoy the snuggle time with my babies. This is step one in undoing some of the emotional damage from 2016. It's also part of undoing some of the physical damage. Watching a loved one wither away to nothing and suffer while doing so is, as I've learned in recent weeks, a form of PTSD. So, I'm going to work at being kind to myself. I'm going to work at asking for help more frequently and admitting that my life is kind of a wreck at times. I miss my mom. I miss my mom. I miss my mom.

In 2016, I allowed myself to wallow and not take proper care of myself. I'm not "overweight" for all intents and purposes, but I weigh more right now than I have ever weighed, and it's not a healthy gain. My most recent lab work came back normal - but with my blood sugar levels and cholesterol levels at the high or highest end of normal. Basically, my poor eating habits are pushing the needle closer to truly unhealthy body damage that could spell big trouble down the line. It's time to stop using food as comfort. It's time to admit that I will be uncomfortable, and sad, probably often. This is me stretching toward the new normal. I don't have to like it, but I have to accept it as reality.

I let myself feel terrible about my body, about my skin, and my hair. It's time to do.

Happy New Year, 2017. Let's kick the bad habit that was 2016 to the curb - one day at a time.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Watching Cancer Take My Mom

I’ve been snooping around my parents house, looking for old photos. I know we have them, my dad loves photography, and I know we have boxes of pictures around here somewhere. Snooping is probably too strong a word, really I’m just searching around. I’m trying to find as many photos of my mom as possible. Most of the photos that are around the house are studio portraits, or other photos of me, from school, from dance. There are few adult pictures of my parents that don’t also include a younger version of me. I want to find these photos because I want to have as many visual reminders of who my mom was, physically, before the cancer came. I want to remember her holding me while I suspiciously suss out Donald Duck, or holding me on her lap in a blue chair that’s almost just as much a part of my childhood memories. I want to remember her smiling, and vibrant, and sometimes, clearly annoyed with the photographer (my dad.) I want all of these as a constant reminder that my mom is so much mor…

Detox

I have six unfinished drafts for this blog just hanging out. I'm taking 12 units this semester at school, I'm working full time, I'm attempting to have some semblance of a life while maintaining my limited sanity in a world where we somehow have a President Trump. I'm exhausted most of the time, I'm trying to eat better, and work out more frequently, oh yeah and  I also have quite a bit of debt to tackle. Turns out, shopping is not an appropriate outlet for grief when you're not independently wealthy. So, what does that mean for this blog? Probably not a whole lot, truthfully. In my head I have a grand plan of using this as a way to curb my spending, while still reading (things other than the depressing shit I have to read for all of my course work as a Social Work major,) and using all the makeup and beauty products I currently have.

We'll see how all that pans out, shall we?

Mother's Day After Loss

Since my mom's passing in July of 2016, I've found myself learning more about the kind of milestones and events that trigger sadness and grief. It's challenging, to say the least, because as I learned in early 2017, I am not only dealing with grieving the loss of my mother, but also the Post Traumatic Stress from being witness to her treatment, hospice, and ultimately, her death. Until I saw a doctor in the Urgent Care for what I thought was vertigo, I had no idea that the accumulation of these experiences would equal PTSD. I was actually embarrassed to have missed it, since I'm currently studying social work, and consider myself a very empathetic and emotive person. I suppose empathy for others doesn't always translate to empathy for oneself.

So far, we've "celebrated," several holidays, and other milestones - 4th of July the day after she passed, my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, my parents' anniversary, her birthday, my dad's …