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2017 - Undoing the Damage

Oh, friends. 2016 was A YEAR for me, and not a great one. While there were certainly ups, the downs were way down, and I've been driving the struggle bus just trying to get through the days. I know that 2017 will still hold grief for me, losing my mom isn't simply going to go away, but I am hopeful I can continue putting one foot in front of the other and not simply survive 2017.  I want to truly live this year. This will mean some difficult changes for me, I know. In truth, those changes scare me. Change is unknown, and uncomfortable, and a little scary, especially when it's in terms of your own life - habits, views, behaviors etc. I know it will take time, and that's another struggle for me - patience.

I'm endlessly patient with other people, but with myself? I somehow expect the rules of the universe to not apply - that the moment I decide a change will happen that it will come into being - like a movie montage of all the hard work that goes into that change, only without the work. Obviously, life isn't a movie. There is no montage - you have to create the montage yourself, every day by putting in the work. Ugh, work, am I right?

So, I'm starting off 2017 with some self-care. Today, I'm giving my scalp a coconut oil treatment because it's been dry and flakey and itchy lately. I'm going to finish up packing for my trip to Jamaica (going Back to the Island with Hanson again) and I'm going to relax, and read, and enjoy the snuggle time with my babies. This is step one in undoing some of the emotional damage from 2016. It's also part of undoing some of the physical damage. Watching a loved one wither away to nothing and suffer while doing so is, as I've learned in recent weeks, a form of PTSD. So, I'm going to work at being kind to myself. I'm going to work at asking for help more frequently and admitting that my life is kind of a wreck at times. I miss my mom. I miss my mom. I miss my mom.

In 2016, I allowed myself to wallow and not take proper care of myself. I'm not "overweight" for all intents and purposes, but I weigh more right now than I have ever weighed, and it's not a healthy gain. My most recent lab work came back normal - but with my blood sugar levels and cholesterol levels at the high or highest end of normal. Basically, my poor eating habits are pushing the needle closer to truly unhealthy body damage that could spell big trouble down the line. It's time to stop using food as comfort. It's time to admit that I will be uncomfortable, and sad, probably often. This is me stretching toward the new normal. I don't have to like it, but I have to accept it as reality.

I let myself feel terrible about my body, about my skin, and my hair. It's time to do.

Happy New Year, 2017. Let's kick the bad habit that was 2016 to the curb - one day at a time.


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